Embracing where I am

PS. My novel Wildflower is out now!

I knew this would happen.

I created La Muse on Substack with every intention of writing a weekly post about reconnecting with my Creative Self. I made it free because I knew I did not have the capability to value add for paying readers. Not yet, not even close.

But at the back of my mind - and part of the reason I resisted starting La Muse in the first place - was the knowledge that even a weekly post might be too much. I might not be able to fit it in.

Maybe I should have called my Substack “Great Intentions” because my intuition was right - it’s been a month since my last post. And once, I would have felt guilty, for not following through on my intention. Letting down myself, in other words, because I wasn’t documenting my creative journey in the way I had intended. And for letting down my few readers who were waiting with bated breath to see where La Muse was at. (Oh yes, I can picture you now, tut-tutting at me.)

Seriously, I’m pretty sure that’s not happening … but neither is the guilt. Because … what’s the point? Why should I feel guilty about putting something on pause when that’s exactly what I need to do?

I’ve always placed a lot of pressure on myself - part nurture, part nature. But as I get older, I’m more self-aware about my inner capabilities.

I know there is only so much I can handle before I get overwhelmed. And I know that sometimes to avoid overwhelm, I have to prioritise my mental and emotional energy. I’m not always good at this, but I’m getting better at it the more I practice … and I’ve had to do that a lot lately.

The last time I wrote, I shared that my work life had been turned upside down, with a sudden redundancy and a temporary contract with the Local Government who took on management of my workplace. It’s still very uncertain, with major transitions and reviews taking place. It’s also been sucking a lot of my mental and emotional energy.

While this has been going on I’ve been promoting Wildflower in the lead-up to its release, which was yesterday! More on that later. On Fridays, my day off, I’ve been writing newsletters, doing podcast interviews, organising book-ish events, and more. On weekends, I’ve been steadily working on my next manuscript, which is now at the 40K mark (yay!). And in between, I’ve been focusing on other self-care things, like going for walks, sitting in the winter sun, reading, and relaxing in the bath.

There is a lengthy to-do list next to me. At the top of the current page, and the page before is: write Substack post. Whenever my eyes have landed on those words lately, I’ve felt the should-s rising.

And then I push them back down because should-s are not the boss of me.

I have let them boss me around for too much of my life.

And honestly, the idea of adding anything more to my day and week made me freeze on the spot. What more did I have left to offer? What would I write about?

My Creative Self was - and is - at its limit for now. (Did I mention that page proofs came through for my next book yesterday?) And so my La Muse posts might be sporadic for a while - but I don’t feel guilty because a) I don’t need to and b) I am nurturing my Creative Self in the best way I can right now, which is part of the journey.

I am still working with my muse.

I’m embracing where I am now - learning, growing, loving, accepting.

Which brings me back to Wildflower. This book of my heart was released by Bloodhound Books yesterday and is now available in the US/UK and Australia.

Wildflower is a coming-of-age story set in Western Sydney in 1979 and 1999. The 1979 timeline is told from the point of view of Jane Kelly, a friendless young girl who is bullied at school. When Acacia Miller moves in next door, a friendship develops that becomes complicated when Acacia remains stubbornly guarded about what Jane increasingly suspects is an unhappy home life. The more Jane questions and watches, the more she wants someone to speak up. The 1999 timeline follows a young woman, who flees to a refuge and must confront her pain and darkest secrets. The intertwined narratives shine a light on the generational impact of domestic violence, drawing readers to a time when people thought it was “none of their business”.

As the book goes out to a wider audience (it was first released by Pilyara Press in Australia in 2022), I hope for two things. Firstly, I hope readers connect with the story on an empathetic and compassionate level, both for the characters and for people in their own lives, including themselves), and that it shines a light on examples of strength and resilience and bravery all around them. And secondly, I hope it prompts a time of reflection on how far we have come in terms of removing the blanket of silence over domestic violence … and how far we have yet to go.

I would love for you to read it.

In the meantime, I’m off to start proofreading Wherever You Go. That’s this weekend’s job.

Love, Monique

PS. I have two ideas for upcoming La Muse posts, so expect another ping in the Inbox soon!