Filling the Well

Going back to The Artist's Way

About two years ago, I was gifted a copy of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I was delighted - I’d made no secret of my desire to read the book after hearing other author friends talk about it. Some had shared with me their habit of writing Morning Pages, “three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing done first thing in the morning”. I’ve never been good at journal or diary writing (more on that another time), but the concept of Morning Pages came to me when I was needing creative encouragement, so I decided to give it a go.

“The bedrock tool of creative recovery is a daily practice called Morning Pages.”

~ Julia Cameron

Writing three pages of longhand first thing in the morning takes about half an hour. It was hard. For me, it meant getting up even earlier, and, as I discovered, it was too easy to decide Morning Pages were too hard.

So I stopped and muddled along with self-doubt, negative beliefs, creative highs and lows … but figured I was doing fine. I published two novels in that time, managing the blocks and challenges as well as I could.

And yet.

Here I am in a space where recovery must happen for my creativity - for the artist within me - to thrive. I need to, as Cameron puts it, fill my well.

Here I am wondering why my words seem to have dried up.

Why, no matter how much I want to write another book, I feel like I’m forcing it.

“If we don’t give some attention to upkeep, our well is apt to become depleted, stagnant, or blocked.”

~ Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way

I need to fill my well.

The first time I attempted The Artist’s Way, I treated it as a kind of self-help book. Read it, have some lightbulb moments, gain a different perspective. Right?

Wrong. I ignored the word “course” on the front cover.

I mean, I read the word. But I told myself it was … optional.

I read the the introduction and felt inspired. I read the basic principles and nodded my head. But when it came to making a contract with myself to commit to daily Morning Pages AND a weekly artist date (what Cameron says are the basic tools for creative recovery), the first prickles of doubt arose. And with that came all the reasons this three-month course (as I’d realised it was) was not coming at the right time for me. How could I fit a weekly “play date” with myself into an already busy week? Impossible!

It was ridiculously easy to talk myself out of reading further. And so, that book sat beside my desk for two years. Sometimes I felt guilty about setting it aside; other times I told myself firmly that it was for “a rainy day”.

I started this newsletter because I knew I’d reached a point where I needed self-nourishing. And intuitively, I knew PLAY was the way forward and JOY was the goal.

Two weeks ago I moved The Artist’s Way to my beside table.

A week ago, I opened it again and re-read the basics, acknowledging but not giving into my doubts and fears.

Four days ago, waiting for an appointment, I re-read about the need to fill the well and tears, not doubt, pricked my eyes.

I think that was the moment I finally GOT IT.

The words FILLING THE WELL bypassed the brain (what I logically knew) and zipped straight to my heart.

In filling the well, think magic. Think delight. Think fun. Do not think duty. Do not do what you should do - spiritual sit-ups like reading a dull but recommended critical text. Do what intrigues you, explore what interests you; think mystery, not mastery.

~ Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way

JOY is the goal and PLAY is the way forward.

But instead of just telling myself (and you) this, I felt it deep. So deep, I wondered if doing The Artist’s Way course was exactly what I needed. That pushing through my block and writing about finding La Muse once a week might not be enough. Willpower is not the same as being heart-led.

Later that day, I read about shadow artists and teared up again.

Before I summoned up the courage to write my two novels, that’s what I was doing: being a shadow artist - doing things close to my desired art such as reviewing books for several years, working as a journalist, and freelancing as a publicist for performers and authors. I kept repressing my artist child out of fear and negative beliefs (“It’s selfish”, “I don’t have time”, “I don’t have enough to say”, “I won’t be good enough”).

Since Wildflower was released in March 2022, I’ve wondered “Do I have anything else to say that means something?” That thought became a belief - that I didn’t - and that has, even in the last few days, made me think I should go back to reviewing … or take up drawing or painting. I haven’t been able to write anything meaningful (which is another discussion - does it need to be?) and whenever I write, I feel like I’m digging words out of bone-dry earth. What was the point of continuing this writing caper? Where was (is) the fun?

Becoming unblocked and finding La Muse is going to take a lot more work - inner work - than I first imagined.

But if I can cry at the thought of NOT being the artist I am, then it’s worth it.

I started writing Morning Pages again this week. It’s still hard. I’m nervous. A three-month course is a big commitment and I can’t do everything - work, exercise, write a novel, do a course. Something has to give (and it can’t be work or exercise because they are both essential).

It scares me that working on my novel might be … no is, the thing that has to give. But if working on my creativity from the inside out, rather than the other way around, is what is needed … then I want to give it a shot.

I confess that the list of tasks in Week 1 of the course did take me aback. How would I fit it all in? Morning Pages, an artist date (still sounds like fun, but when do I do this?), and a list of other writing-based tasks … there’s a lot to do.

And another confession - a few months ago, I taught a workshop called “Overcoming Self-Doubt with Creativity” (let’s come back to that another time) and mentioned that affirmations are one way some people turn self-doubt into positive self-belief. I remember feeling self-conscious and stressing the words “some people” because I’d never really believed in them. Turns out Cameron is a big fan of affirmations, and one of this week’s tasks is to a) give them a go and, b) note down all the objections my inner censor blurts out.

So, I’m off to take some of my own advice AND try approaching my creative block by completing Week 1 of The Artist’s Way.

Have you tried The Artist’s Way? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments.