Listening to the call

On writing again - but with JOY as the destination

In January, I embarked on a journey to reconnect with my Creative Self. When I started, I was lost, disconnected and scared that I’d lost the connection forever. I’d tried for months to reconnect - it felt like being ghosted by a friend, like the friendship was over. Would I ever feel that connection again?

Where am I at now? Here’s a conversation with my Creative Self, La Muse to give you an insight into where I’m at in my creative recovery.

La Muse: Give me the elevator pitch - how are you going creatively right now?

Monique: I’m in a good place, thanks for asking. I’m feeling the urge to write again!.

La Muse: Fantastique! What’s changed for you?

Monique: That’s a big question … I’m definitely in a more comfortable place with my Creative Self right now. A few months ago, it seemed like we were at odds, like we couldn’t seem to communicate our needs to each other. Like we were both talking but not listening.

The more I pushed myself to connect with my Creative Self, the more lost I felt. And that led to many more complicated feelings such as fear, doubt, sadness, grief, frustration. I was completely blocked, and I couldn’t seem to find my way out of this blocked state.

I was almost ready to give up on writing. To walk away from my dreams.

Almost. Deep down, I desperately wanted to recover that connection to my Creative Self, I wanted desperately to recapture the JOY of creating, but I needed help. I needed a change in focus, to shift my perspective.

To find compassion for my exhausted, recovering, scared Creative Self.

The Artist’s Way encouraged me to switch my focus from WORK to PLAY. For me, that meant not writing much at all for a couple of months. Instead, I hung out barefoot in the garden, walked along the beach, made lemon cordial and bath fizzes and cakes, visited family, planned a trip to Germany, and created a flower garden. And reading, so much reading. When I did write, it was in small doses: morning pages, poems, haiku, letters to loved ones, even a short story about cloud watching. Instead of focusing on big projects, I’ve celebrated the baby steps.

Far from it being a brain-numbed soldier, our artist is actually our child within, our inner playmate. As with all playmates, it is joy, not duty that makes for a lasting bond.

JULIA CAMERON, THE ARTIST’S WAY.

Along the way, I asked myself some tough questions, worked through some of my deeper fears (rejection, irrelevance, failure), worked through some of my anxieties and blocks (like thinking about how much easier it would be if I were able to pursue my writing full time, and maybe I should just wait for that time to come). I’ve stopped beating myself up for not having the discipline to wake at 5AM to write (then exercise and get ready for work) and I’ve accepted that my sleep suffers if I write at night (it overstimulates me).

All of this has helped convince my Creative Self that it was safe to come out and play.

La Muse: So, are you saying you’re fully recovered now?

Monique: I’m in a healthy place, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be fully “recovered”. I like to think our lives have seasons - as do many aspects of our lives, like friendships, jobs, hobbies. I needed to embrace the season I was in - the season of rest, recovery, compassion and protection - and direct all my Creative energy there.

Now I feel like I’m moving into a new season - one of enthusiasm, growth and opportunity. I’m excited to write again, I’m feeling the JOY in it every time I sit down at my desk. I’m grateful for the time I have to write, even if it is nowhere near as much as I’d like.

But I know myself - I’m prone to self-doubt, perfectionism, anxiety, sleep issues, and all of these affect my connection to my Creative Self. So the season of rest will come again, as will seasons of preparation and thriving.

La Muse: I’m feeling your excitement! You’re smiling right now, aren’t you?

Monique: Yep. (Partly because it’s weird that I’m writing this to myself.)

La Muse: So, tell us more about what you’re writing.

Monique: OK, it’s actually a rewrite of a novel called The Bush Maiden that I started back in 2018. The prologue I wrote back then was included in the South of the Sun: Australian Fairy Tales for the 21st Century anthology. I’ve set aside the original manuscript (for now) and started from scratch. I have given it a working title - The Disappearances of Sara Slightly - but another Australian author has just released a book with a very similar title, so it’s likely to change. It’s historical fiction inspired by a real event.

It took me ages to settle on writing this book. After my novels Wildflower and Wherever You Go were published (world rights have now been acquired by Bloodhound Books), I found myself in the most writerly of binds. Should I write a follow up to Wherever You Go, that is, create a series set in the fictional small town of Blackwood? Australian readers still ask me when the next book in the series is coming. Or should I go back to this unfinished manuscript? For months, I switched from one to the other - trying unsuccessfully to write the story readers said they wanted and equally unsuccessfully to write the story I wanted to write.

I went with my heart.

La Muse: *Sighs with know-it-all relief* That’s what I kept telling you …

Monique: Also, Sara Slightly has jumped into my head and won’t go away.

La Muse: Some characters have a habit of doing that. *Sighs again* If only you listened to—

Monique: Anyway …

I’d made my choice but it still wasn’t working. So I kept working on PLAY and recovery and the more I trusted the process, the braver my Creative Self became. Then, a few weeks ago, I opened the work-in-progress and something clicked.

The tense was wrong. I had been writing the story in past tense, but I suddenly had this feeling it would work better in present tense. What was the harm in trying it out on the first chapter?

I gave it a go and it just felt … right. So, I’ve been reworking the draft chapters into present tense, I’ve reworked the prologue from the first manuscript and brought that in, and I’m excited about what’s next. I’m feeling all the good feels - enthusiasm, excitement and, best of all, I see the way forward for Sara’s story.

La Muse: Do you think this excitement will continue when you start writing new material for the story?

Monique: I hope so. I’m sure, no, I know there will be tears and frustration. I’m an emotional being! And a recovering perfectionist (*coughs*).

I’m not a lover of the draft stage. I spend way too much time finding the right word and phrase. And that can lead me down the rabbit hole of research and procrastination. But I’ve learnt some valuable lessons over the past few months and what I hope for myself is that I draw on them when the process feels more like WORK than PLAY.

La Muse: You’ve got this! One more question … how are you going with The Artist’s Way?

Monique: Here’s where I confess that I made it to chapter 10 of 12 and haven’t picked up the book in a month. I won’t bore you with the reasons (and excuses) but I do intend to finish the last three chapters over the next month. My morning pages have taken a back seat as well … what?? I said I was a work in progress.

La Muse: Aren’t we all? Don’t be hard on yourself, you’ll get there. You already know you need to nurture your inner artist. So when the need strikes, take a step back. Do something fun. Yeah?

Monique: I will.

Um … this has been great, but can I go write now?